We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Randomize