I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I wish you could order shots online.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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