Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
