I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
