If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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