I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
