Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize