Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
