Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
