i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
