His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
