don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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