i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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