Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
