she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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