well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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