I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
