he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
