I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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