8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
