What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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