If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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