coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
