so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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