I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
