What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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