tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Boobs speak an international language.
She needs sedatives and a leash
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
