I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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