I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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