i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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