home. puking in laundry basket.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize