Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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