her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize