dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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