I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
