How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
