The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
