Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
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