i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize