I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
