I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
