walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
