what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I want her autograph on my taint
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
