I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
