im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
