So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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