Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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