You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
