i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
