i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
