i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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