I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
