I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
