Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
