I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
